Unprettiness of evolution
On why I disappeared for a bit there.
There is a deep sadness in not having written in so long. Not because I missed writing (it is often daunting to want to produce smart sounding words), but I achingly missed the version of me that writes.
There’s something about that montage. Music in the background. Coffee in my hand. Words effortlessly flowing from my brain. I like to take a step back, like a white sheeted ghost soul (who is rocking the new style just btw) capable of pulling out of my physical body, and just watching that version of me.
The smart version. Non distracted. Lips curving when he is writing a funny thing that he knows is going to be funny. Adjusting his glasses.
Serious looking, leg crossing, smart thought thinking Hari. Who sips on his coffee like he’s got this. He knows what he is doing.
I achingly missed the version of me that writes.
For that, and only that reason, here I am.
It’s easier to create on Instagram. Because when I create on Instagram, I just need to be relatable. But when I write to you, I am vulnerable.
Writing is when I’m at my most naked, and I’m not the biggest fan of getting naked (metaphorically).
And the truest truth right now, is that I’ve been so busy, and there are so many balls in the air, that my main hobby is ball dropping.
Second main hobby is vet visits (yes, Nayla is unwell again).
Unpretty morning montage
I haven’t played music today while writing. I’m sitting on a faded green couch (that needs replacing but that’d be 137th item on the to-do list, so we haven’t bothered adding it at all).
There’s a weird pinch-ey pain in my lower back, that’s not bad enough to complain about, but real enough to feel.
Because I’m not wearing headphones, all I can hear is car alarms going off in the distance, honks (not so distant) and pigeons (scums of the sky).
My wife just woke up. Got on the weighing scale. Made a disgusted face. And has walked off. She’s on a diet. It’s hard (for me).
The need to be a hero, while secretly craving an uneventful life
Khushboo and I joked recently about how we don’t want much from the universe. We just want
Ana’s health, Nayla’s health, basically all of our health and all of our loved ones health to be okay.
For us to not have to worry about money.
“We have very simple wants” she said.
And then yesterday, on a very pretty stretch of the road, on the way back from a books and coffee family day, she looked at the sky and said “universe if you’re listening, I’m manifesting that I lose 4 kgs”.
There was 3 seconds of silence while Ana and I looked at each other and eye rolled.
And then she looked out again, and very matter of factly just said “ok never mind, make that 5kgs”.
The things we want, the days we want especially, are very mundane, and unheroic.
Nayla can’t walk right now (it’s a neurological thing). We want her to be able to run to us.
We want to ensure both our hard work pays off, and there’s enough money coming home to not need to make any drastic lifestyle changes.
And clearly, we are on this health spree, so we want the strength and courage to be consistent with that (5kgs@universe if you’re reading).
Mundane lives are designed more for living than writing. That’s one reason (maybe) that I haven’t written.
Another is just that I haven’t had the time to sit. I have been working (and creating) a lot.
There is a lot of weight on my shoulders right now, and for the first time, instead of slumping down under it, hating it, and wondering “why me”, I seem to have found the strength to hold steady, and carry my loved ones through it.
For the first time, it’s a weight of my own choosing, and therefore, it doesn’t feel like a burden to carry, it feels like how I feel with my daughter on my shoulder. Light. Happy.
I said this yesterday to someone “success is IN the struggle”.
Sure, it’d be nice to have money in the bank, and not worry about the future, and have lost the 5kgs. But mostly, all the goals you wanted to achieve, you would have achieved.
The feeling of feeling “successful” depends on if you go to sleep feeling like you’ve done something that you feel was worth your time. The feeling that it was a day spent well. Around the ones you love. In your today’s version of what happy feels like. Uneventfully.
So yeah, I haven’t written to you, because I haven’t had the time to sit and ask, what is truly stopping me from writing.
The answer was that I’d not have the prettiest words. The wisest sentences. I’d not be glasses adjusting, coffee sipping, main character energy Hari.
I’d be back aching, pigeon cursing, grumpy old man energy Hari.
There’s an unprettiness to evolution. The being covered in goo while coming out of the egg part. That’s where I’m at right now. And it’s hard to show up with goo and stuff.
But, because I want to sleep slightly more peacefully today, and because my to do list has had this item being postponed for over a month, and I could plausibly cry if I procrastinate another day, here I am.
Unprettily writing to you. Goo and stuff.
Love,
H.
Very pretty
thankyou for writing this piece Hari and making us feel less alone :)